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it is now june 2008. what has changed?
x +memory x Tell a Friend x speak LICENSE OCT 24 through gary knepler. $400, but so worth it. :) 3 weeks, and guaranteed to pass. and it was ripped away from my reach. i didn't even get to try. (& my mom wonders why I had a psychotic episode.) fucked. up. i love college! <3 i made two friends who i've been talking to more and more. i need to make more! i will cry if i don't pass my license test. i figured out the schedule for scsu shuttle, so good bye stupid expensive taxi service! train is not bad. i think it will be a good idea to save gas money and parking annoyances and just drive to/from the train station. I FUCKING LOVE MIKEY <3 SWETZ AND BLAQK AUDIO AND NYC i danced so much! i'm now going to go to any good concert i can get to, even if i have to get lost in NYC or wherever it is to go! killswitch engage, get back to USA so i can stalk you. also, I LOVE SOUTHERN but i hate the process of making new friends. i feel so socially awkward and unattractive to anyone as a potential friend. so i stay silent all day, basically. i love the concept of college. i love walking to different buildings and relaxing outside and reading alot alot. i don't like feeling left out because i'm a commuter. mikey saved my life and lots of money by offering to drive me to school <3 until i get my license. therefore, i owe him my life (or, a ride whenever he doesn't feel like driving). more later, maybe.
the WANT list: -industrial piercing (right ear) -one or two cartilage piercings (each ear) -wrist tattoo -more tattoos as i get thinner (but not overwhelming) my mom was a bitch so i took the train back to fairfield county then me and burt went to the trumbull mall. then i slept over twice, my phone died, then he came over today. now we're drinking smirnoff and i'm enjoying my last day off tomorrow until back to my working weekend. last sunday i felt really sick and icky and nasty for some reason (hotness, dizzy, nauseous), so i went home and that means i get like no fucking money this week. i really just want to stop being such an anti-social bitch and make lots of new friends and get money for a car and pass my license. my schedule is awesome. MW classes from 10:10-4:40, F classes from 10:10 to 2:00. i did that on purpose so i would save money commuting only 3 days a week. when i get my car i can also use one T or Th to work a double to get money for gas/insurance which i will need desperately. i actually plan on continuing to commute and just getting an apartment when burt gets a job and we can get one together because i love him. now i have to go and find him and take more shots with my love muffin. monday and tuesday is an overnight orientation; i'm so nervous. i really hope i make alot of new friends. i'm going to lose alot of weight this year, due to walking everywhere and going to the gym when i get my license. i can't wait until college. i'm glad i decided to commute. i think it's important knowledge to know how to handle oneself at a train station and foreign places, even if it is only a new city. i plan to travel when i get older, and i have to learn how to get my way around. this is good practice for independence. my expected monthly cost for commuting will be: $60 train $104 taxi every friday, both ways =at least $164 if i learn to take the bus, i can save some money. fare is only $1.25. even if i don't take the shuttle and pay bus every day both ways, it will only be $50 per month and i can probably get a bus pass and save more money... wednesday is work, thursday is off, friday is placement test and new haven.
i am lost, i don't know what to do. about life. the things i do want in my life take too long to achieve. i lose ambition, i lose focus. but the desire, the want, is always here. the inability to channel that into productivity loses me. i grow confused, and frustrated. i don't feel grown up. i don't feel ready. for summer to end, for college, to move out, to pay bills. to work my life away. is that all there is to life? i want more. i want eternal happiness. i want to travel, to see the world. i want to get married. i want to write novels and make my existence known for this generation -- and for the future. i want to make an impact, to change the world, i want to do something worthwhile. i have to first work on myself. i am a fuck up. i am teeter-tottering on bipolar disorder. my father failed me. my mother isn't much better, but at least she tries. i was pushed into scenes of conformity and humiliated for not being beautiful, skinny and rich. friends all my life have betrayed me, warping my idea of a real friend. and this makes me want to push everyone out. everyone. but i am always forgiving, and i always care about everyone who once walked into my life, whatever happened in the past. i try to let it go, to give people chances. am i too nice? i often feel betrayed and stupid. i want to believe in the humanity of the world and that people actually do change, that maybe life will be different. have i changed? i am not 16 anymore. i am definitely not in elementary anymore. i am not even in high school anymore. physically, emotionally, spiritually, we all grow and evolve into the personalities we mold and create from our own unique experiences. they often harden us, but sometimes they crack and almost destroy us. yet somehow, we are all still here. when i was in middle school, i never even considered what it would feel like to graduate high school. i always assumed i wouldn't be alive by then, that i would have killed myself by now. imagine that cloud over my head all these years, and finally i am walking up to receive my diploma. it's a wonder my mind was capable of realizing that this was not a dream, that i made it. i survived depression, and i survived self-mutilation. self-hatred, and negative body image. but like those who have been raped, they will always go through their lives knowing "i was raped." and me: "I cut myself. I wanted to die. my father hit me." and we open up another realm of thought, those defining moments that pierce through skin and bones and soul. i was different in school because i was shy. because i was poor. because my father was not involved in my life. because he used to hit me. because my parents yelled and fought and leaned against the edge of divorce but stayed together for the kids. because my mom was a teen mom. because we could never afford vacations. because i expressed my pain as physical pain. because i was molested by a "best" friend. because i was different. because i refused to conform. yet all these things make me who i am inside. i survived. and my life hasn't even begun yet. -take train -take cab from train station (which is 10 minutes or 4 miles away from campus) -deck it out for 1 month (it's going to be expensive!) -i better fucking pass my license test this fucking blows. since june 4, i've
i also have more of a desire to try to raise consciousness about issues i feel strongly about, such as:
lets change the world. i don't want to sit around anymore -- i want to be an activist. but how?
here is the plan:
i may or may not keep track online. i will definitely start keeping a daily record offline. my weight is getting out of control and it needs to stop. i won't be inhibited in college because i'm a fatty. everything seems within reach right now, except my weight goals. it's time to claim control. like the phoenix, i will rise again. btw: i will explain reasons behind my tattoo designs as i get them. but if you know me, you might already know why :)
if i commute by train the first month, and if i am able to still work at danny's, i technically won't have to buy a car until september/october. if i am able to save more money, i can buy a better car with less mileage, than if i buy one now, or in the summer. if, if, if. i need to make things definite. but i can't even practice going on the train until i get my schedule, to see if i would be able to get to scsu on time by train, and to figure out how to do it. maybe i am too overwhelmed. i have to be patient. i have 2 whole months to figure out what to do, and all the while there's still the teeniest possibility i might get a room. i could plan a trip with mom/someone to new haven and take the train, just to get more familiar taking it. the urge to buy a car *right now* just has me in a chokehold. the symbol of freedom seems attainable now, with graduation money and working almost over 30 hours most weeks. it's very exciting, but i still have to wait 3 months to legally drive one. fucking sucks. when i finally get my license and car, will i finally do all these things i said i would do? -go to bally's every day -work more hours -see burt and actually go to fun places -travel (in ct) i want to slap him in the face. i detest the very dna that make me related to him, all these personality traits and physical inheritances that make me related to this disgusting, delusional piece of shit. i can't even call him a dad. a father. what is that? to me, they don't exist. i've never had one. save and buy a car during the summer commute by train the first month ($60 for one month round trips) -will be able to keep job at danny's -will be able to see burt -will keep room that i will have just painted during summer pass license test in october and commute with car this might actually be better for me this year. and i don't have enough money for a decent apartment with utilities and i don't want to live with strangers. my options: 1. buy car, illegally commute for a month until i pass my license test. downsides: could get pulled over, get in mad trouble. lots of money for car insurance and gas. parking issues. 2. find a roomate or group to get an apartment with. downsides: i'd have to live with strangers and split the bills (might not have a job) 3. hope someone drops out so i can get a room. downsides: passive, it's not solving the problem. could get fucked. causes stress. anyone got any ideas?????? of course, this all boils down to my not having a fucking license. WHAT THE FUCK. WORK SUN 12-8.5 MON 5-9.5 WED 11-4 SAT 12-9.5 SCSU TO DO math placement test orientation make sure i have a fucking dorm room! OTHER SHIT scheduled license test (fucking october!) saving up for a car i REALLY WANT the iphone...do i NEED it? getting another tattoo soon re-paint room saving as much money as i can make college schedule figure out how i can keep job at dannys AND go to college...or find a job in new haven WEIGHT GOAL lose 20-30 pounds OR ELSE lose 2-3 dress sizes OR ELSE i didn't get to take pictures with anyone afterwards, and i hate my mom for wanting to leave immediately after the ceremony. everyone's parties are on days that i work, especially weekends, and i can't go to any because no one will cover for me. so i'm sorry, and i love you all and i want to hang out with everyone at least once during the summer. and my mom is terrible at planning so i didn't get to have my own party, but my sister did, and she didn't even end up going to college. but i got some cards from family who never talk to me and that means money for college, thank gawd. summer's finally here, and word up i'm most excited about getting to go to bally's every day because i am NOT being fat for college. speaking of that, alli sounds interesting. here's to a hopefully fun-filled summer. and crying in august, when i part with friends, family, and [gulp]....burt. it won't be the end, my friends. i love you all. i just gotta keep trying... senior skip day = NEW YORK with burt, mikey, amanda west and liz smith. FUN :) june 4 = DEHLIA'S FUCKING LEGAL june 18 = GRADUATION the days are swiftly coming to a close my dad is a selfish asshole and a terrible father and i lost any hope of wanting him to still be involved in my life. i secretly love to sing...and am secretly kind of good at it. summer, where are you?? i am losing my sister to the lure of ecstasy and weed. so much for being my first and only best friend in my life. very much freaking out about money. today we went to the mall. i got a FUCKING GORGEOUS WHITE DRESS on sale at jcpenney WOOT WOOT & shoes & headband & earrings to match all i need is: a clutch/purse figure out my hair style go tanning alittle bit, since it's white I NEED TO FIGURE OUT HOW ME AND BURT ARE GETTING TO PROM. IF ANYONE NEEDS PEOPLE TO GET A LIMO PLZ INVITE US I WILL LOVE YOU FOREVER that is the thing i'm most stressed about: transportation. i hate my life, and i want to leave my house NOW. yesterday i broke my exercise rut...by exercising (starting small again)...i only did 30 minutes of toning, and today i did 45 minutes on the elliptical. i figure it's alright since i'm going to start swimming next week, during spring break. and getting to the ymca involves walking there and back, so i'm going to be alot more active. because i was feeling depressed (i got my physical sheet for college and the doctor wrote that i was obese :/ ) i tried on some jeans that i used to fit in 1-2 years ago. most of them i couldn't even get past my thighs, but i found one size 15 that i now fit back into. it's tight, and it used to be so loose on me. so at the same time it was a bummer. but i was excited because i found out my real goals. for now, i want to lose around 3 inches off my waist and hips each, and x amount of inches off my thighs so i fit into a size 13 jeans by prom. that is a size 13. it's ironic in a depressing way because when i was a 13 i felt so obese and disgusting, and now i would kill to be a 13. my ultimate goal for mid-summer is a size 9. i have size 10 jeans that i used to fit in, and i believe those were also baggy on me for a time. it amazes me how small i seemed back then, looking back, but at the time when i was in my body i felt so fat. eventually, my goal is either a size 7 or 5, depending on how my body looks and whether my hips will allow me to get that small. i would be happy at a 9 or 7 for now. this just proved to me that i have serious body image issues, and i'm glad i no longer starve myself because i just gained most of it all back. now i have to lose the same weight twice, technically, just to get down to where i was 1-2 years ago! i don't know if i want to laugh or cry, it's so ironic. this is the last week of school before spring break. it just so happens that i have alot of things due this week, and probably a few surprise quizzes: english paper due monday statistics practice ap test due wednesday some misc. homework due monday make-up civics test the past two weeks i fell into an exercise/ hopeless/ not-going-to-make-it/ slump where i kept procrastinating to exercise or wasn't home to. i'm starting a new plan soon, so hopefully i lose a dress size at the very least for prom. it looks like this: MWF 30 min bikini body dvd, 30 min "boot camp" or cardio TT 1 hr swimming (walking 1 hr to/from ymca) SS optional 30 min cardio i'm buying a prom dress during spring break, which also makes me feel hopeless, because i don't see much of an improvement, at least not as far as i would have liked to be after 3 months. however, i could always lose more and get it altered. also, i have been spending money on i don't even know what. i have $150 in the bank. i'm getting paid today, and i am giving my mom $44 for a phone bill and $100 for the bank so i i won't spend it this time. here's my weekly pay breakdown: $186 a week $50 PROM $100 BANK $36 SELF i still have money left over for misc. things i need for fun and such. doubles suck, but i love getting paid after them. it makes 22.5 hours of working in 3 days worth it. still unsure about college. i wish burt would get his letter from southern so we at least know if he's in or not. i've been driving to and from work, which equates to about an hour every week. i will definitely be able to pass the test in june/summer. i've been exercising and changing my habits faithfully since january 1! i better be skinny by prom or summer. i am steadily losing inches and i try not to weigh myself. i am going by measurements and sizes. my parents are separating and eventually getting a divorce. not sure how i feel about it...it's more like i feel bad for my dad than i will miss his presence...because he was never much involved in our lives. now he can have what he's been doing my whole life -- pretending he has no family. also, french bakery got shut down by the health department and he also is out of a job. my mom wants him to move out by next month. i've narrowed down my college choices: between university of hartford and southern. i have until may 1 to decide. both are very nice and i wouldn't mind going to both. however, if burt gets accepted into southern i will definitely go there with him. i've cut out lots of people in my life who don't deserve to be my friend and just people who i don't want to deal with anymore. i feel much happier, even when it's just with burt. no more drama in my life...and i mean that. hopefully i am on good terms with everyone. and if not...well, i don't care anymore. also, i've gotten closer with alot of school friends and i wish we could hang out outside of school. i am learning how to drive! i'm on the road, getting better each day i drive. my goal is to have my license by the start of summer. i got much needed hours at work so i will be able to save at least $100 in the bank every week for prom, car, license, and college. it is almost the 4th marking period and school is getting tediously boring. i wish it were may or june already. question: should i come back to livejournal? this journal should be deleted in about 30 days, i just wanted to let everyone know where i was because i just kind of dissappeared after unnecessary drama. right now i'm focusing on: learning to drive losing weight finishing my college plans excuse me while i kiss the sky burt didn't get accepted to westconn. the only other college he applied to was housatonic, and he said if he doesn't get into westconn he would send applications to other colleges. which is what we're going to do tonight; look at other colleges. i'm so scared. i was crying. i was more upset than he is, or he just isn't showing it right now. this is an obstacle, and somehow we are going to find a way. even if we go to different colleges. maybe we can live together in an apartment. but with what money. exactly. this is going to be hard, but in the end whatever happens we'll make it work. we always make it work. because together we are impeccable. we are forever. and nothing will change that. and most importantly, i'm not going to cloud my focus with unnecessary and ludicrous drama. it's done. even if people message me or try to contact me, i'm not going to reply. fuck that shit. let them think what they want about me, because i know it's not true, and whoever is close to me and cares about me and knows the real me knows it's not true. and we will go our separate ways. i hope i never see these people again. because come august, i will be out of here. with the biggest smile on my face. yeah, me and burt, we're going places. i wonder how long those people have felt that way about me. and they wonder why i don't want to be their fucking friend. fake ass bitches need to DIE. i'm glad i'm going away too. fucking bullshit NEVER ENDS. DROP IT AND MOVE THE FUCK ON. this is the exact shit that i said i wouldn't deal with anymore, and i mean it. fuck those who try to bring me down and talk shit and make something out of nothing. fuck those who are jealous of my amazing relationship and determination to succeed and go to college and make something of herself. fuck you. bitch get at me. i'm not taking this shit. grow up. how old are you, fucking 5? you're pathetic. i have enough to worry about other than people who make me sick trying to insult me in every area of my life. you don't even know me. you don't know who i am, how i grew up, what i had to deal with, anything. and you try to tell me that i'm going to become a raging alcoholic just because i like drinking once in a while, and that i need to get my priorities straight when i didn't want to get sucked into this retard fight for the very reason of concentrating on what is important to me (losing weight, getting license, going to college, saving money). now you just look ignorant and pathetic. your words run right through me. they mean nothing because you are nothing to me. i'm not one of those people who are like, oh i don't like spiders so i have arachniphobia. no. i have a real, paralyzing fear of vomiting. i shake, i panic, i cry, i scream. and now i know it has a name and that i'm not the only one who has this fear. immature people must die. i'm not looking forward to doing homework all day. i really want to write a story. i can't wait to get my master's and work in a mental health clinic. ms marino was telling the class about her old friend who was sexually abused since she was 2 by everyone she trusted and loved, and has created over 300 personality disorders and ms marino has actually seen most of them and been with her and i was just sitting there fascinated and wanting to help people like her friend so badly. this is definitely what i want to do with my life. and i can't wait, to change the world. going through the tedious last semester of school with good laughs with some friends along the way to keep me sane; working shit hours and getting shit pay and not being able to do anything about it; spending as much time as i can with burt in this extreme cold where our only transportation is his bike or me taking the bus; and exercising my ass off while not seeing the fucking scale move. i'm literally counting down the days until winter vacation. and then spring vacation. and then fucking prom. i will get the dress in a white, and my goal is like a size 8. what i really want to do is buy it now (it's on sale too) in the size that i want to be but i'm worried i'll either not reach my goal (most likely) or surpass it (yeah right) and will waste money and time sending it back for a new size. so i'm just going to save as much money as i can for: burt's license (18th birthday present) prom essentials senior fees and AP test et cetera... i will kill someone if i don't drink friday. i wanted to so bad last friday but yeah...no money no way to get it bla bla bla. i'm worried that i might become an alcoholic, but i have excellent self control. and in times of stress, anger or depression, i have much worse methods. sometimes i wish i could go back to starving myself. but that's what is making it so hard to lose it now, the healthy way. fuck. i'm fucked.   Cost: $265 question: WHITE OR BLACK? he slept over. he left around 1ish, and i did 30 minutes of step aerobics. worked 4-8:30. came home, talked to burt quick, did 1 hour on the elliptical. my feet are dead. me and julia were supposed to get a ride from her boyfriend friday, but he couldn't do it even though he said he could the night before, and decided not to let her know that somehow during school hours (she doesn't have a cell phone), so we stood in the cold for 15 minutes only to find out that we had to fucking walk home. we were crying everytime the wind blew in our faces. it wasn't fun at all. that was when i officially decided that i hate connecticut and that i am moving south after college. me and burt were talking about the amount of effort i put into exercise this month compared to the number on the scale and we both know that during my starvation days i completely fucked up my metabolism making me gain everything back that i lost from that unhealthy effort, and i probably now have a thyroid problem which is why it is essentially impossible for me to lose weight now. he wants me to talk to a doctor. i want to take diet pills and not eat and exercise 2 hours every day. today's agenda: bus to burt's. tomorrow: work edit: i got home later than i wanted to from burt's so i only had time for 30 minutes and i was feeling really nauseous anyways because of the fucking cold it was insanely windy and it almost literally made me cry. i swear, i'm moving to texas. since i won't be able to see burt until maybe sunday but probably not until monday or tuesday, i will make up all the junk food i ate this week by exercising 15-30 minutes friday-sunday. and next week i'm being way more diligent with my food intake. i've been looking at prom dresses all day, and it's getting way more serious now. i have disarono in my desk, less than a half of a water bottle's worth. i want to get more alcohol and just save it in my room in a secret stash because my nights are getting very boring. i've been so restless even when i get to see burt. i just want to get out and do something. something very, very fun and exciting. i really do hate CT. it is a terribly boring place, more like a resting place for people to buy homes and travel to other cities or towns. i truly am sick of this place and most of its people. then i just get more excited about the fresh start i'm going to have with college. new friends, savoring the few friends who became real and honest (and believe me there aren't many left, but that's another story), new place, new beginnings with my schooling and my future with burt. it's going to be amazing, and i'm kind of hoping that along with the big change in me and burt going to college, that everything else will change because we are going to make change happen. we are going to choose the path that life takes us, not vice versa. it's time for our time to shine. motivated? oh yes. my faves:   one way or another i'm gonna getcha i'm gonna getcha getcha getcha... why was i stupid enough to bother with ap history when i ended up wasting $82 for only getting a fucking 2. pointless. there is no one that i know in that class. there are 3 seniors and the rest are snobby juniors who think they're the shit cuz they carry around coach bags and think they run the school. yeah. okay. sorry, but no. fuck. and miszszssz (not miss or mrs) magdon is OCD/neurotic/weird/not funny. she expects me to lug around an entire binder just for her class. fuck that. i just need to pass civics. who cares if i won't get credit because she wants to check our binders and have everything her way. fuck this shit. i think this class will only succeed in making me more anarchistic. fuck government. i hate politics. so i worked 12-4:45 thanks to the huge rush about 20 minutes before we had to close. it was hectic. at the same time, though, i love it. time moves by so fast during a rush. and i don't have time to think about anything else besides what the order is. tonight i have to exercise for an hour, take a shower, and get my school stuff and clothes ready for tomorrow. i'm alittle nervous because i don't know if i'm going to have any friends in my new classes. well, i guess there's nothing i can do except wait until tomorrow. i'm almost done reading oblivion. i always read a book when i exercise, which is why i changed from the step aerobics back to the elliptical again, so i'll probably finish the last 50 pages tonight. i only have two more books to read until they are due back at the library february 1. it also kind of motivates me to exercise because i will want to know what happens next. the extreme cold we have been facing has just led me to one conclusion: i am definitely moving south after college. the lack of snow this year was great; i could care less about snow. i hate it. i never really had a preference until i've experienced a winter without snow. i will be happy if i never saw a single snowflake for the rest of my life. when i visited family in texas one year (summer after 2nd grade) i loved it so much that i was convinced i was going to move there when i graduated. now i just might want to settle down somewhere like texas. burt mentioned that he wanted to live in florida if we move down south. also, my dream house consists of a backyard entrance to a beach, or living very close (walking distance) to a beach. edit: i just wasted about 3 hours online, managed to get my lazy butt offline to exercise for an hour, and will begin to get ready for school and bed. i just got into a stupid argument with burt and he hung up on me. he wasn't paying attention to me because he had me on speakerphone and he was rearranging his room and i got mad because it's like then why did he even bother to call me if he didn't want to talk to me. so he got defensive and he hung up. now i'm alittle mad and i just want to sleep. i doubt that it will be warm enough (warm as in, not below freezing) for him to ride over tomorrow and i bet he doesn't even want to. so today i'm home waiting to work 4-close and then i have to exercise because i didn't have time yesterday because burt picked me up so suddenly. sunday i work 12-close and i'm not sure what i'm doing after that. monday is the first day of semester 2 classes which i'm 1/2 excited about and 1/2 apathetic. i'm sick of winter and i'm sick of school. lose 50 pounds exercise part is great. i'm working on the diet part. i started the "no eating after 9pm" rule this week and it's working out well. i'm working on eating at least 1-2 pieces of fruit most days per week, and i'm drinking 32-64 oz water daily. i have healthier substitutes whenever possible. to do: go faster on elliptical, eat consciously. practice driving and get license the only thing i've been doing is watching the drivers whenever i'm in a car/bus. i decided to pay for burt's license as a birthday present and until then we can both try to practice with my mom or something. save money in bank i'm working on saving about $20-$40 from work every week and to deposit in the bank whenever i can get a chance to go. i'm trying not to waste money on food or going to the mall. get more sleep i've been setting nightly goals to be in bed by 11:15 pm. i feel better in the mornings, especially since i used to get less than 6 hours of sleep per night. exercising before bed also helps to tire me out. go online less often it's hard to avoid the internet when there's nothing else to do, but really, i could and should be offline and reading right now. i probably could have exercised by now. it's not a purely negative habit, it's just one i have to minimize, especially when i have other things to do. i also want to start being more creative and write stories soon and that needs little distraction. this is it. the end of the line.we're drawing closer, like a slow tugging motion, the excitement of summer keeping our eyes on the ground, either to keep from falling or flying. it will be strange to remember how quickly this year will have passed by. today i will take the 2:45 bus to burt's house and spend the evening there. i want to go to the mall, but i can't afford to waste money right now. i'm trying to save as much as i can. first on my list is my 6-month contact refill, $96. that will blow my pockets for a while, but i'm going to run out soon. then i will save for burt's license test. i'm thinking of having that be his 18th birthday present, so that he can have the license. then he can get a job, and we can save up for our own car together. that's only $100 something. and of course saving for college and whatever birthdays/holidays come up and senior activities and things like that. i feel a wave of certainty in my head, like everything's going to fall into place. i know how to make everything work. and that things are never as bad as they seem, and things always get better. always. i know this. |
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